The Gains of Grief

"You’ve looked death in the eye. What did you learn from that? Is everything different now?"

It’s a question I’m asked often. I’ve always found it difficult to give an honest answer. There’s an expectation hanging in the air that everything has radically changed—that I’ve been granted access to immortal wisdom. How can you possibly give a satisfying answer to that?

Have I become a better person because of this experience? Do I leap out of bed every morning, bursting with enthusiasm, simply because I’m still here? Do I suddenly only have eyes for the "Big Important Things" in life?

Unfortunately, it doesn’t feel that way. Life is still life. It has sunny days and the occasional drizzly period. And small problems can be just as irritating as they used to be.

But I have discovered something else. I notice that I love myself much more now. I look at my life with so much more affection: all the beautiful things I get to experience and those I’ve already done, the wonderful people around me—this beautiful, fantastic, glowing life of mine!

I couldn't always find this feeling. I used to be more preoccupied with what still needed to be achieved. And when I looked back at that time, it was with a very critical eye. My "self" from more than six months ago clearly didn't understand a thing. He was a bungler who got everything wrong. And the further back I looked, the less love I could muster for myself.

That changed instantly when I realized that life was likely over. I decided to accept that fact, and to do so, I "forced" myself to open my eyes to the fantastic life I had led.

What a beautiful childhood I had—playing in the street, climbing trees, loving parents, a sheltered life in a village, a friendly high school, studying in Delft, countless friends, my first business, many adventures, two dear daughters, later joined by four bonus children, the golden life with Lydia, living on a sailing ship. More businesses, the wonderful years with Henq...

Suddenly, I could love myself. What a kind, crazy, quirky, fun person I was!

I took that self-love with me. And it ensures that I can still find beauty in every day. After all, it could be over tomorrow. So, I lovingly add this beautiful day to my gold-edged scrapbook.

It doesn’t always come naturally. It is not always easy to embrace my former self. There are always periods where I made mistakes. Missed opportunities or stepped on toes. It takes extra effort to love myself during those times, too. It often helps to go back to the "why" and find a helpless, doubting, or wounded soul there.

Even my current life brings episodes of self-reproach. Continuing to love yourself is a constant exercise in forgiveness.

It’s not easy, but the reward is great. How wonderful it is to be the hero of your own story!